I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
