I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Barsexuality is the new black.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
