I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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