you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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