I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
