Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
