I just cut my nipple shaving
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
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