I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize