So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
