Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
