So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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