it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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