Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize