I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Randomize
