I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize
