we have officially lost it.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
