You're my little dorito
Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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