I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
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