U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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