You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
...so i touched it.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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