dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
