Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
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