My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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