If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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