Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
