he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
