tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
