If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
you made out with another girl for some wings
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
