hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
