remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
