I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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