I CAN MOONWALK!
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
