she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
