how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize