Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
He has the fingertips of a God
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