I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Randomize
