id be glad to
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
