There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
