I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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