he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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