Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
