saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
