life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
