just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
