My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
