i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
