cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
