before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
