did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
