Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize