I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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