I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
