i already hear my dad disowning me
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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