It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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