I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
