Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
