she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
