Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Only a mothe r could love this liver
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
