Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
